#Momguilt – It’s a Real Thing (but why?)

The other night I was in bed with a pair of hands around mine and a sweet little nose touching my nose. I watched my son go in and out of sleep for hours. He was sick and the only thing I knew to make him better was to snuggle and tell him everything was going to be okay. But, in the back of my mind, I was thinking about everything I had to do the next day for work and how him being out sick was just going to be so incredibly hard.

Cue the mom guilt.

Luckily, I work at a wonderful place that has a lot of flexibility, but this got me thinking about the many times I have felt overwhelming mom guilt and the reasons why.

I feel guilty for working.

I feel guilty every time I don’t make a healthy dinner.

I feel guilty whenever I lose my patience.

I feel guilty every time I am distracted by something else.

I feel guilty that he watches TV.

This list could literally go on forever.  I never experienced a feeling quite like mom guilt.

So why?

Why do we, as mothers, have this feeling like someone is ALWAYS watching over our shoulder and questioning the decisions that we make? You know why? Because they are. Every day I am seeing someone on social media (or even at the grocery store) berate other mothers. It’s kind of sickening and it needs to stop.

I remember Kim Kardashian posting a photo of her son, around 14 months old, in a car seat that was forward facing. You would have thought that she put the kid on the roof of her car. Reading all the comments made me feel awful. I put my child forward facing at 15 months. Does that really make me a bad mom? Some of you may think so.

I had such mom guilt because of what other people thought. But, again, why? This is my child. I am his mother. We make the choices that are best for our family. Why should I have to worry about what every one else thinks?

Society keeps pushing crazy standards on mothers. The newest example being Kate Middleton stepping out hours after giving birth. I can 100% guarantee that she didn’t feel up to getting dolled up to introduce her son to the public (I don’t think I had even showered at that point). But, society demanded it of her and shame on us and them.

A healthy meal of ramen, pizza and green beans. Hitting all those great food groups.

 

This is one of the biggest reasons that we started this blog. We need more open and honest mothers. Although we’ve only done a few interviews, I can already see how much us mothers are alike (regardless of our children’s ages). We have the same concerns and the same goals. We just need to make sure that we have each other’s backs a little more. Just because they are not doing  things the way you did or want to does not make them a bad mother.

What I have learned, in my two and a half years being a mom and 33 years being alive, is that you have to be an example. All mothers want their children to grow up kind. Show them what that means. Ben is constantly watching my reactions and listening to my words. You have a chance to raise a beautiful human.

Oh, Target. Be still my heart.

 

You see a mother struggling with her two year old in the Target line? Smile. A sincere smile goes a long way. 

See a mom traveling alone? Give her a hand.

Co-worker have to stay at home cause of a sick kid again? Ask if they are okay. Don’t roll eyes.

Be helpful. Not harmful. We are all doing our best.

We are a tribe and that tribe is called motherhood.

-Lisa

Mom of Fame – Jennifer

What a wonderful, thoughtful and in-depth conversation we got to have with Jenny. We walked into her house greeted by a smiling little boy who seemed pretty excited to see some new people. Throughout the interview he would be up and down on his mamas lap. He was too busy to sit still. He wanted to play and he wanted us to notice him playing (it was pretty cute). Every once in a while he would find his way back to his mama and give her a sweet little hug. Almost to say ‘you’re doing great, mama’. It was incredibly sweet.

It was extremely refreshing to hear some of the things that Jenny had to say. She was honest. You don’t get that type of honesty anymore because you think you will get ‘shamed’ for the things that you say, or even think. For that, we thank you, Jenny. Thank you for being honest and real with us. We are so very grateful that you shared your story with us.

Welcome to the Mom of Fame, Jenny. You deserve it!

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it? Would you give that piece of advice to someone else? 

I heard a lot more about that it would be the biggest change I’ll ever have, but it will be the most rewarding experience more than I heard real, solid advice. That was really until  my fiancee’s mom kinda gave me a couple of off the cuff statements at random times.

She said to me once that “all babies need is a boob and a blanket”. It was kind of funny and I was cracking up, but she was right. She could tell that I was starting to get overwhelmed with the financial side of all of is this. It’s really tough to walk into these Buy Buy Baby’s and see a $200 bassinet and you’re like, “they’re going to be in this for 4 months. Seriously!?” I was given a 70 year old bassinet to put my kid in. It kind of looked like a picnic basket with wheels [laughing], and yes I was hesitant to put him in it, but I did and he’s fine. It made me realize that as I went along that she was absolutely right.

Then she said, “no baby has ever died from crying”. That was really good because it meant it was okay to just walk away. That was helpful because you have those really overwhelming moments. Sometimes you just need to set your kid down, walk away, and reassess.

So I would definitely give that advice to other people. I would also add that people need to take time for their significant others. I was totally unprepared for how that was going to change our social life and intimacy together. So I would say to definitely schedule time and ask people to babysit for you. Or ask people to come over for a couple of hours just to give you time alone.

How is motherhood different than you imagined it would be?

I didn’t know if I even wanted kids. I got pregnant unexpectedly so I kind of had to start thinking about that stuff during my pregnancy. That was very emotional and scary. I had been so disinterested in kids. I mean my friend had kids and I very rarely visited with them. I was more or less the person who came over and took them out for a “Mom’s Night Out”. I bought them birthday gifts and things like that but I wasn’t real involved with their children. And I was okay with that role, I liked it. So I was sort of on the fence about having my own. I could have been okay either way. It wasn’t something that I didn’t want, but I had to wrap my head around all of this kind of as it was happening.

So I worried about if I would like the role or not. So it kind of scared me because I knew how life changing it was going to be to some degree. I mean I saw how little autonomy my friends had and how planned everything had to be and how time consuming these little humans are.

One chapter closed and another started. I love my new normal.

During my pregnancy I envisioned what kind of mom I wanted to be. I thought about what this little person would be like and how I would want our relationship to be. I imagined taking care of him. I thought about the things I knew I would have to do. I imagined rocking him, soothing him, nursing him, and the countless day to day items (diaper changes, bathing, household chores, etc) that I would be responsible for. I had thoughts about how exhausted I would probably be. I want to be sure that I say that I was happy during my pregnancy, though. I was excited and I loved my son before I ever met him.

I am relieved and happy to say that I do like this new role. I have to say that my sweet little boy completely stole my heart. The moment I met him I knew how happy and lucky I was. I mentioned how selfless and planned my life would have to be. How I imagined this being difficult. It really doesn’t matter now. I don’t care that I go out for dinner at 430, so I can be home by 7 to start the bedtime routine so my son can be in bed by 8. I don’t mind that I have to plan in advance before I go out with friends. I don’t care that I don’t stay out late. I don’t care that I put myself second at times. I look at my life, and I know how fortunate I am to have this experience.To experience this completely different kind of love that a parent has for their child. One chapter closed and another started. I love my new normal.

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?

Patient and Consistent

My toddler is at that point where he is testing his limits. So he has decided that snack foods are his favorite thing in the world and he just won’t eat anything I make for him. So he is tossing things off of his high chair and looking at me straight in the face while he does it. So I immediately get him down and I do it every time. It took a little while like 3-4 weeks before he completely stopped, but I was proud of myself for that parenting moment. For being that consistent with it no matter where we were; grandmas, home, he just got out and was done.

Spending Quality Time

My house is a mess most of the time, but that just means I had a fun day with my toddler.

I think that I am good at spending the quality time with him and ignoring the things that are piling up at home. I blinked and the first year was done. When he was an infant I cherished the closeness of getting to hold him every moment. I enjoyed the baby snuggles so much while he slept, when I could just relax, listen to him breathe, and look at his sweet face. Now I get to enjoy seeing him learning and showing interest in things, walking, and saying words. I just stop and watch all he does with such amazement. Taking time to be worry free and have true quality time with him is everything to me. I am good at forgetting there are dishes in the sink, those can wait. I recognize that I won’t get this age back, so I play with blocks, make animal noises, push him in his truck and read with him. I don’t stress about the day to day chores so much. My house is a mess most of the time, but that just means I had a fun day with my toddler.

Putting Him First

I’m pretty adapatable to what he needs. So even if decisions are really hard for me, like putting him in daycare, I make them for him.

I didn’t want to relinquish my control as a parent. I didn’t want others to choose what he ate and when he ate. I was doing all of that for a year so it was really hard to let it all go. I realized, though, that he needed to play with other kids and he needed other adults to start implenting some routines and boundaries. So I recognized he needed that and I just kind of swallowed my pride on the whole control issue and I just let it go.

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

It had been close to 3 months and my son never slept a good long stretch during that whole time. I was up every 2 to 3 hours. There was a night that he just wouldn’t stop crying. He had done it all day, too. He was just really, really fussy. I was doing everything including rain dances in my living room and nothing was working. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted at that point. He was in his bassinet and I was just kinda staring at him not knowing what to do. So I wheeled him into his room and just shut his door and shut my door and had a really long therapeutic cry because I was so annoyed with him. And I felt so terrible for being so angry and so annoyed with this little tiny human. So then I just sat there sobbing and I collected myself and I went back in. I don’t know if he just kind of knew I was at my limit but he did eventually calm down after that. I felt a lot better giving myself a second to do that.

The only other time was when I was having supply issues with the nursing. It didn’t matter the lactation supplements. I was going to Whole Foods and buying cases of smoothies and drinking them daily. And the cookies and the Gatorade and anything else you could think of that you hear about. I just wasn’t making enough for him and it took me a while to figure it out because he fell off his growth curve. And then he was going in for bi-weekly weigh ins. So I felt so guilty like I was not nourishing my child for so long; enough that he was not gaining the weight he needed and it was terrible. I liked nursing, too. I enjoyed it. That was the tough thing, too, is that I could have totally lasted a year with it. That was a really emotional time for me, as a mom, that I had that cut off not on my own terms. But in the end, fed is best!

Is there anything you feel that you have lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained?

I mean, other than my automony some, not really. That wasn’t as difficult as I had thought it might be, for me.  I think, since becoming  a mom the casual relationship I had with my fiance has been the most noticeable loss. We never had to try to be together before having our son. Our relationship was easy. We always had time for one another. We slept in, took our time getting ready, going out together often by ourselves and with friends. Conversation came easy about our common interests. All of this became stuff we had to try and remember to do after he was born. For a while I kind of felt like we lost our intimacy, our random conversation, and social life with one another. We have to work at making time for each other with scheduled date nights. We have to prioritize our day to have an hour or two to have quality time. I’m still getting used this.

Something I have gained is just kind of seeing things through his perspective. Everything is so new and fun and exciting. The stuff that I stopped appreciating I appreciate more now. You know the other day I had a relatively good day, but it was raining and it was freezing and I was lugging all of our stuff back in from the parking lot. And he was like “wow” and just had this amazing smile on his face and was laughing and had such amazement for what was going on around him. I completely stopped appreciating these little things. This sort of reminded me of jumping in mud puddles when I was a kid and how much fun I used to have. It reminded me, too, that my grandmother used to tell me that thunder was angels bowling and all of these little things that I get to share with him now. It made me so happy and I stopped caring that it was raining and crappy.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

I want him to learn how to be empathetic and treat people well. My father’s mantra was a simple one, “treat others how you want be treated”. I want to pass this on to my son. I was taught to think about situations from others perspectives. It is so important to me that I raise James with the same mindset. Sometimes it seems that we live in a judgmental, mean world. Part of me wants to shelter him from this, but I know realistically I can’t. What I can do however, is teach him how to treat others with respect and dignity, so he can be part of what is positive.

Tell us about working from home with a toddler.

It worked out awesome when he was an infant, before he started crawling. He was pretty okay to be set down or baby-wear him or rock him in my lap. I help older adults coordinate in-home services so I’m just on the phone all the time. It’s not difficult to be on the phone with an infant so much.

Once he started crawling and doing all of that stuff it got harder. Honestly there was the exersaucer and he got used to playing on his own. That’s why he does that so well, because he kind of had to. I would sit him in the Bumbo or his high chair and give him some toys. So I kind of had these little areas of things that he could do and I would just bounce him around between them. Then for the most part, too, I would work over at my fiancées’ parents so I had a kind of had a back-up adult. If he was needing to be rocked or needing extra attention they could give that to him.

That worked out okay, but it was really overwhelming. I didn’t feel like I was giving my son all of the attention he deserved. I wasn’t giving work all of the attention that deserved either. I was using flex-time; logging in early by an hour or hour and a half and then staying late a couple of hours to make up for that time. So I really just kind of felt like I was bad at both for a little while. Realistically, I wasn’t. I was a good mom and I was doing fine at work. But I was torn in all sorts of different directions and being stuck in this 1200 square foot place, too, was really hard. I was working, parenting and relaxing here and it was like I was trapped. Part time daycare ended up being the best choice. I feel relieved now that I can give both my job and my son the focus they deserve.

Mom of Fame – Jenny

You could tell right when we walked into Jenny’s house that she is basically Super Mom. She was showered and dressed for the day (at 10 am!), the twins were also dressed and playing in the family room, brownies were in the oven, and the baby was down for his nap upstairs. She had family coming over later for a birthday party for all of the kiddos and she still let us come and chat for a little bit.

She tells us this is not always the case, but we both know that only a Super Mom could handle 3 year old twins and a one year old boy with the ease and confidence that she does. In all of her answers Jenny was honest and so sure of herself. It was very refreshing to see a mom who was not second-guessing her answers or decisions.

You can tell this translates to all of her children as well. They were all a little weary at first, but then warmed right up and wanted to answer the questions along with mom (even the 1 year old!) They sat with their mom most of the time, but would also go do their own thing and come back when they wanted to check in.

We knew Jenny was the right choice to induct into our Hall of Fame when she said, “I don’t judge other moms for what they do. I don’t look at people and judge them. Motherhood is not a job for the weak. It is hard. Some people make it look easy and some don’t. Whatever they do for them, it works.” She is definitely one of those moms who makes it look easy! Welcome to our Mom of Fame, Jenny!

~Lisa & Erin

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it?  Would you give that piece of advice to someone else? 

It’s hard, I didn’t get at ton of advice for twins, just because I didn’t really ask someone who had twins. I did have a couple chats with twin moms and they said “keep the kids on the same schedule”. That was one piece of advice I definitely took and I would give another twin mom the same advice.

Also, don’t try to do everything yourself. That was hard. I was told that a lot. Did I follow it? No. Especially my first time, I definitely didn’t. The second time; yes, I did. I would give someone that same advice. I think in my situation I really had a lot of people help. With the twins at least and it helped so much. Just because you’re outnumbered,.

How is motherhood different than you envisioned it to be?

That’s a tough one. I think it’s more demanding than I actually thought it would be. It’s more time consuming than I thought it would be. It would be different if I had one, but in my situation it was crazy the first year. That’s

I would say to just follow your gut and your motherly instincts

all I can say. My husband would say the same. It was crazy, it was busy, it was stressful. As a first time mom you have so many worries; am I doing this right? But, really, I would say to just follow your gut and your motherly instincts.

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?

Hmm…I wish someone else could answer that for me.

Patient

I think I’m patient, and I’m even more patient as a mom.

Confident

I’m confident as a mom. I think that’s a big strength of mine. I feel good as a mom. I feel that I’m doing the right things when I’m doing them. I don’t try to second guess myself. My first 6 months with them, oh my God, I questioned myself a lot. But then I got past that and then I wasn’t nervous doing anything with them. I could take them to a store or travel with them and it didn’t make me nervous.

Strong

I’m strong headed when it comes to being a mom. I don’t worry a lot. Recently, when we went to Florida I traveled alone with the 3 kids and I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t nervous. I was completely comfortable. I knew they were with me and I am with them and nothing is going to happen to us. I can control them and I know we’re fine.

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

Well…it was definitely my first couple of weeks home [with the twins]. We had the twins, and one of them had a couple of issues as a baby, we had to do a lot of testing and it made me really nervous. Then I was moving, I was redoing a house, I wasn’t going back to work. That was pretty overwhelming.

Thank God we had our family, because our families were everything to us; especially our moms. I mean, I was home with two newborns for the first time and I’m packing up a house. And I’m moving to a new house, as I’m redoing it. So that was a lot. I would say that’s pretty overwhelming. Thankfully we had our family because they were our backbone. They still are.

Is there anything you feel that you’ve lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained? 

[Laughs]. No, nothing at all! Yes! A lot of independence. I lost a lot of independence to do my own thing, but now that they’re all getting older I am able to add that back in with what we do during the day. In the morning we put the 1 year old down for his morning nap and we go downstairs and the twins play while I exercise.

I think it’s made me a better person, though, because you learn to prioritize.

I’m starting to learn how to get it back. I don’t always have to entertain
them, and that’s something that is nice. At first I thought I did, but I don’t. Even though there are two of them, they can play alone in separate rooms. Even with the 1 year old, I can put him on the ground and walk away for a minute.

I think it’s made me a better person, though, because you learn to prioritize. My priorities are so different. If I really want to go somewhere but one of the kids is sick, I’m staying home.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

I want them to learn to always be caring. Care about everyone and everything. Be honest, with yourself and others. Honesty gets you so far, further than you think. Be confident in everything you do. Know you can do it, even if it’s hard at first. Be strong and know that not everything is going to go your way, but you can figure out a way you can make it work. Be happy, be confident and be strong and I think they’ll be fine no matter what they do. If they have those traits in them I think that they can do anything.

How was the transition from 2 to 3?

I was surprised how well it went. The only thing I did to prepare them was going in the baby’s room every day. We talked about him a lot too. I really thought they were going to have a hard time at first because I’m bringing home a new baby, and it’s always just been the three of us. But I was really surprised, they did great!

I didn’t have them come to the hospital. I wanted that time to bond with just the baby. It was very different and was hard on me. I had a hard time. But we came home and they did great. They adjusted so well. I think one of the reasons they adjusted so well was they never just had me. It was never just one-on-one. They’ve always shared me. It was no different than sharing my time with each other.

As moms you don’t let yourself get down, you don’t let yourself get sad, you don’t let yourself crumble.

I think as moms you need to be strong. I come from a very strong family. As moms you don’t let yourself get down, you don’t let yourself get sad, you don’t let yourself crumble. There were plenty of times I could have, especially coming home. I had three kids under three. Just move forward, know that they need you right now. I was tired, but I knew I was going to sleep one day. It’s fine. I mentally said to myself, “This is your job; God blessed you with three and you need to take care of all three”.

5 Things I Said I’d Never Do As A Mom (But Definitely Do!)

We’ve all done it. We’ve seen a friend (or even a stranger) doing something with her baby and said “I would never do that with my child!” Well I’m here to tell you, you just might!

Now even though I am the co-creator of momfaming I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’ve never mom-shamed. I didn’t consider it mom-shaming at the time, I just thought I was giving my opinion about a topic (that I obviously knew nothing about). Once I became a mom, though, I started to understand where the other moms were coming from.

Here are the 5 things I said I’d never do as a mom, but definitely do:

1. Ride in the backseat with the baby

This one I actually shamed Lisa for (sorry, Lisa!). We both arrived at our friends house at the same time and she got out of the backseat with her newborn. I made fun of her and said that I would never do it. Well, fast forward a few years and I just rode for 2 and a half hours in the backseat wedged between my baby and my dogs. Was it fun? NO! But did I know that my baby was breathing and happy the whole way to Holland? YUP!

2. Constantly worry about the baby getting sick

I was basically a hermit the first 2 months of my son’s life!

I used to be the director of a daycare and one of the most common questions during the tour was about our sick policy and how often infectious diseases ran through the school. I always told them that the first year a child is in school they will be sick pretty often, so you might as well get it over with, right? WRONG! I was basically a hermit the first 2 months of my son’s life (to be honest we basically still are since the winter is never going to end!) I understand he is eventually going to get sick (my husband says he can’t live in a bubble, ugh) but I would much rather it be when he is older.

3. Let the baby sleep in our room for more than a few months

While I was pregnant, I read that babies should sleep in their parents room for 6 to 12 months. I thought that was absolutely crazy! Keep my baby in my room until they are 1?! I’ll never sleep again! Well…my baby is 6 months old and he’s still right next to my bed! He has now outgrown the bassinet and I need to figure out what our next step is. I’ve asked my husband if he can stay until he is 4 but I’m pretty sure the grunt and dirty look I got in return meant no.

4. Entertain the baby 24/7

I swore I would never be the mom who constantly entertains because I know that children need to learn to play by themselves.

As a kindergarten teacher I observed children playing all the time. During these times I could definitely tell the difference between the students who were constantly entertained at home and the ones who were sometimes left alone to play by themselves. I swore I would never be the mom who constantly entertains because I know that children need to learn to play by themselves. I’m having a tough time with this one, though. I feel so guilty if my son is on the ground or in his activity center and I am not talking to or playing with him. I’m hoping this one comes with time (but I’m really afraid it won’t!)

5. Let the baby’s schedule dictate mine

My husband and I had a conversation before I even got pregnant about how we aren’t going to be those people who completely change once they have a baby. Obviously our lives and priorities were going to change, but we didn’t want a baby to completely dictate our lives. I’m not sure if we were naive or just plain dumb but that is EXACTLY what happened. I live my life in 3-hour increments. I feed the baby, I play with the baby, the baby naps (while I write a blog about everything I said I’d never do!). Then I do it all over again! If I want to take the baby somewhere it is right after I feed him and then we have about 2 hours to do what we want before we have to be home to feed again! If that’s not a baby dictator, I don’t know what is!

The biggest thing I’ve learned through all of this is that every mom is doing her best. It may not be what you would do with your own child, but it is what is working best for her. Don’t judge until you have walked in her shoes. And even then, no judgement here!

~Erin

How I Try to Effectively Document my Child’s Life

I understand that everyone documents their child’s life in a different way. There really is no wrong or right way to do this. I just wanted to share a couple of tips that I use in case it could help someone else.

One thing to keep in mind is that I use a DSLR (digital single-lens reflex camera aka really nice cameras) for almost all of my photos. I only use my phone when the moment is there and I don’t have my DSLR handy (which is very seldom). I would highly recommend getting yourself a good quality camera before having kids. I was lucky; because of my photography business I had cameras already. I can’t imagine not having something that takes the photo fast (without blurring). Moments go by SO quickly.

With that being said, I do know the newer phone cameras are getting better and better. For me, nothing beats an actual camera. That’s their sole job.

Here are my ‘set’ of rules I try and focus on:

1. ALWAYS, I seriously mean always, have your camera with you. I am talking about everywhere. I put it in the diaper bag whenever we go out. That way I can easily access it whenever I feel like.Take a look at a few of the photos below and you will notice that I really mean everywhere.

Target. We go there so frequently that I am ashamed to say that I have a lot of photos of Ben there. I was shopping in the food aisle and look over to see that. I mean, come on, I had to take one!

The zoo. There are so many great places to get some fantastic photos of your child at the zoo. The penguin house is one example. Go when there isn’t a huge crowd and you can really set yourself up for some great images. 

2. Capture every emotion. I don’t want Ben to ever think that life is always perfect and happy (Inside Out taught us that, right?!). For this reason I try and capture Ben and all his emotions. When he’s angry, sad, tired, shocked – I try my best to capture it all. So often people get in the routine of grabbing the camera and telling their child to smile. I do that as well, but I also try to grab the in between moments.

Oh, man. I love this. I was going for a run and he was SO sad. His face and the way that window is creating that rainbow? One of my favorites and he isn’t even smiling!

We’ve all been there, right? This was the reaction I got when I told him to finish up his dinner. He hid behind the table.

3. Capture Relationships. It can’t all just be about Ben and Ben alone, right? I want to be able to show him the relationships he had with people, places and things.

I think I can say with 100% certainty that Ben considers Charlie a best friend. The first thing he does when we walk in the door is tell Charlie about his day. In the above picture he just HAD to show Charlie what he made at school. Heart melted. 

Luckily my husband is good with the camera. I will treasure this photo with Ben even though my face isn’t it in. I know, in that moment, he wanted to be in his mamas arms. Swoon.

4. Capture the fun of childhood. What we may think is an ordinary moment is actual magic for your child. When I look at my son playing with bubbles or play-doh it seems like a very ordinary thing to do, but to them it’s not. He’s creating magic. I want to take photos that show the fun he had during his childhood. Even with ordinary things.

The happiness just throws itself at you here. He’s just playing with play-doh/making his mom a pizza.

Next time your kid jumps in a puddle grab a camera! The absolute joy you will find is priceless.

Honestly, my list could go on and on. What it comes down to is always having your camera on you. I do this for me, yes, but I mostly do it for Ben. What a great gift it will be to present him with such ordinary, everyday photos of himself and others when he’s older.

Hopefully he won’t be TOO embarrassed of the diaper shots 🙂

– Lisa

Mom of Fame – Erin

Erin is a very special kind of person. She is the kind of person that worries about others before herself. She is, in all honestly, the type of person you want by your side through thick and thin (I don’t think any of her friends would argue this). I am so incredibly happy to call her one of my very best friends.

I knew when she became a mother that she would be a rock star. She is the most organized person I know and she gives a 110% to everything that she does. Ryan is SO very lucky to call her mom and vice versa.

It is hard to be as honest and real when it comes to blogging to complete strangers (and friends). It’s not something that just comes naturally. This is especially true for Erin. She is not the type of person to put her baggage on other people. She isn’t the type of person to talk openly about personal matters. But, she did just that for her mom of fame interview. This season of her life has not only been joyful, but it’s been challenging in ways most of us cannot understand. She is an incredibly resilient person and mother.

Without further ado, I am very excited to induct Erin into our Mom Hall of Fame forever. She deserves it more than she will ever know.

-Lisa

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it? Would you give that piece of advice to someone else?

One of my best friends told me that no matter how hard motherhood seems to get to just remember that “the days are long, but the years are short” (which happens to be a quote by Gretchen Rubin from The Happiness Project).

She is also a stay at home mom so she wanted me to understand that sometimes the days are not going to be all fun. There might be no sleep, a cranky baby, and lots of housework to do. In the end, though, each day needs to be cherished because time goes by so fast.

I didn’t quite understand this until I was a mom. My little one is less than a week away from turning 6 months old and I just can’t believe it. I have already had to put away his newborn, and 3 month clothes, and the 6 month ones don’t have much time left. I am definitely taking her advice and really trying not to get stressed out by the little things, and focus more on the good things that happen each day.

I will give this advice to any friend who is having a baby so that they remember to stop and enjoy these days because they go by so fast and we don’t get them back

How is motherhood different than you envisioned it to be?

It is honestly more fun than I thought it would be! I used to work in a daycare and I absolutely hated going into the Infant Room. It was either 4 babies crying, or 4 babies sleeping and super boring. I was worried that I would be bored, especially as a stay at home mom. This has not been the case at all, though. We have created a little routine each day and I love playing with him (especially now that he smiles and laughs!) The time flies and I can’t believe it when my husband comes home and it’s already time to start making dinner!

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?

Multitasking 
I have always been very good at multi-tasking. As a teacher there were so many different things happening in the room and you had to be aware of all of them (or a kindergartner could stick a penny in a wall socket —true story!) As a mom I feel like you are also always doing a million different things at once! I feel that I am able to juggle all of these different things while still giving each one the attention it deserves.

Patience
My husband and his friends have a reunion every year and one year they were listing everybody’s super powers for a game they were going to play and mine was “unending patience”. I think this may have been a dig at my husband (because to be with him you need to be patient, haha) but it was also a compliment to me. I have prided myself my whole life on being a very patient person (with kids at least) and I feel like I have only become more patient now that I’m a mom. I’m sure my patience will be completely tested once he’s a toddler (and a teenager!) but for now, it’s definitely one of my strengths.

Experience
I know this sounds kind of silly to say as a strength for motherhood but I think my experience has really helped me feel comfortable being a mom from the beginning. I have been working with kids since I started babysitting in middle school and I’ve worked with many different ages including infants, toddlers, preschoolers, and elementary schoolers since. Through my training I also know developmentally appropriate activities to do with my son (through first grade at least!) This really gives me an advantage as a stay-at-home mom because I know he will be learning even though he is not in a school setting.

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

I know I was chosen to be his mom for a reason and it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

The answer to this question came to me the fastest, but it was definitely the hardest for me to put into words. It was when my son was diagnosed with Down syndrome.

When I took him for his 4 month check-up, the doctor was slightly concerned about how he kept sticking his tongue out, so she wanted to have a blood test done to analyze his chromosomes. It was a total shock and I left there feeling so stupid. How could I not have known? I am his mom, I am supposed to know if something isn’t right. I am also a teacher who has had classes in special education, I should have seen the signs. I had been staring at his face for four months and it never even occurred to me that anything was wrong.

The week we waited for the test results were basically torture. My mom told me “you know, we’ll be okay either way, right?” And I knew she was right, but I said, “I just want his life to be as perfect for him as possible”. Because she’s also a mom (and a grandma), she knew exactly what I meant.

So, after a full week, the results finally came back; he did have Down syndrome. It was a rough couple of days for us (and our friends and family) as we processed the information. We are doing so much better now, and realize how lucky we are to have this little boy in our lives.

Even so, the diagnosis was and still is very overwhelming. It’s overwhelming for the obvious emotional reasons, but it was also overwhelming for the logistical reasons. Right away we had to take him to see a cardiologist, genetic specialist and ophthalmologist. Then we had to sign up with our local Early On program who is going to service him for 2 hours a week at our house. Every 6 months he needs a blood test to check for several different things, as well as see a dentist by the time he is 1 year old. The list goes on and on (I’m getting overwhelmed just thinking about all of it!) but I know I was chosen to be his mom for a reason and it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

Is there anything you feel that you’ve lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained?

I have lost my independence (obviously). Having dogs was good practice for this because you have to keep them in mind when making plans but having a child completely takes it away from you. Since baby cages are frowned upon it makes it very hard to go out and do things unless you have a plan for the baby. Luckily I have parents that live close by and a husband who is very understanding of my need to occasionally do things by myself in order to keep my sanity!

I gained an understanding of true love (I know, sappy, right!?). Everyone tells you when you’re pregnant that you’ll understand true love once the baby comes out but I didn’t really believe them. I am not a touchy feely person and don’t really believe in grand romantic ideas but once that baby came I was immediately obsessed. I can’t get enough of his snuggles, I miss him when I’m not around him, and every decision that I make is made with him in mind.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

My mom used to always tell me that “life’s not fair”, and although I used to hate when she would say it to me, I would like to instill the same thought process into my child.

Obviously “life’s not fair” is not a super optimistic thing to teach your child, but it is a very necessary one, especially in today’s world. I think it really helped me to understand that things are going to happen that seem unfair, but that’s okay. I want my child to know that sometimes you’re going to want things that other people have, and sometimes they’re going to want what you have. It’s really best to not compare yourself to others, but to instead enjoy and appreciate your own life!

Welcome, Erin, to the Mom Hall of Fame!

Mom of Fame – Lisa

When I met Lisa I really didn’t have any friends like her. She is outgoing, loves being the center of attention, and doesn’t care what others think. She was the complete opposite of me and was exactly the kind of friend I needed in my life.

I always tell her that if we would have met in high school we never would have been friends because we are so different. I am so lucky we met in college, though, because she is an amazing person who is always there when you need her.

When Lisa became a mom it made me realize just how amazing she actually is. It all seemed to come so easy to her and she was a great mom with a great little boy. She is always showing him how loved he is and taking him to do fun things to make sure he is getting the most out of life.

Lisa is our first Mom inducted into our Hall of Fame and she definitely deserves it! Let’s show her some love and and shower her with “mom fame”!

~Erin

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it?  Would you give that piece of advice to someone else? 

My girlfriend told me how much strain a new baby was on her marriage. She had stressed to try and take time with just each other and to think of things from his point of view.

I, literally, kind of laughed at this (thinking that that there wouldn’t be any strain). I was wrong. The sleepless nights, the multiple diaper changes, the constant breastfeeding – it is a very overwhelming feeling. You end up taking it out on the spouse.

The frustrated feeling did go away. New moms are expected to be so perfect and it’s just not like that in real life. You cannot be the perfect mother and wife while you’re learning to do both at the same time. You and your spouse are partners in this and that is KEY to remember. You need to lean on them.

I tell this to anyone who is pregnant now. I am so glad I got the heads up. You just need to breathe through it. It does get better – SO much better.

How is motherhood different than you envisioned it to be?

Oh, man. This one is hard (yes, I know, we wrote the questions).

You cannot be the perfect mother and wife while you’re learning to do both at the same time.

I guess the little girl in me always envisioned a very domestic type of motherhood. Being a wife that stays home with the kids and cooks and cleans. The wife that meets her husband at the door when he gets home from work with a cocktail in hand (very Mad Men like).

This was not the case, but I am not disappointed in reality. As much I would love to be a stay at home mom, I know that this is a very unrealistic expectation these days. I love my job and the people I work with. I think Ben benefits from being around other kids and learning new things.

You always want things you don’t have. You learn to accept the things you do. Everyone’s life looks different and I am pretty happy with how mine looks.

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?

Patience.

I would be surprised if any other mother doesn’t put this on her list. After kids you have a whole new level of patience. Every morning I hear ‘mama’ about one million times (don’t think I am exaggerating).

Like, why does my son come downstairs to have me open his snack when his father is literally standing right next to him? I guess we will never know the answer to that question. One of life’s greatest mysteries.

Documenting Life. 

I love taking photos. I have actually made a nice side business being a family photographer. Since I was very young I was really good about taking photos.

I used to only take photos of special occasions and whenever we went out and about. Since Ben has been born I wanted to be REALLY good at documenting his life. I, literally, have the camera out at all times. It’s just sitting there ready for me.

The smallest of moments are now being captured on a daily basis.

Beyond the photos, I keep a journal. The journal is not for me. It’s for Ben. From the moment I was pregnant until today he will have a snapshot of what life was life for him and his parents.

I don’t write everyday (or sometimes even every month). I don’t just write about him either. I think he will particularly like his mamas comments the day after the 2016 election.

I think it will be a nice thing, along with all the photos, to give him when he’s older. There is so much you don’t remember from your childhood and if I can give him even a tiny piece, I’m happy.

Kindness.

I make sure Ben knows kindness when we are with our family, friends and when we are out in public. I think, personally, at this particular time in life it is more important then ever to teach your children kindness.

I feel like I do a good job showing this when we are out in public. Ben is a cute and social kid. We get stopped a lot at stores, restaurants and various other places. Older woman LOVE to comment on his cuteness and chit chat a while.

Just the other day a woman and her grandson stopped by our table at McDonald’s (yea, we went there – no judgement). She stopped by to say how good Ben was being and offered her fries to him. My mind was going crazy. *Why would this woman think we wanted her fries?!* Would I ever say that? No, I hated the fact that I even thought it. Instead I told her how very sweet it was for her to offer and thanked her for her kindness. I told her that while appreciated it, we already had a ton of fries at the table (which was true).

That same night at the same place we got stopped by another woman. She talked to Ben and Ben stopped and listened. He was incredibly sweet and kind to her. I’d like to think that he’s slowly learning all about that whole kindness thing.

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

You cannot blame yourself for everything. You make mistakes. You learn from them. You move on.

When do I not feel overwhelmed as a mother?! I’m seriously only half joking. I feel like these days you have to do everything right and be so incredibly perfect or else people are going to call you out on it. Thus, why we created this blog.

I want to tell you two ways I was overwhelmed as a mother. One when I was pregnant and one when Ben was a year and a half.

20 week ultrasound. Everything was going great. We were told that we were going to have a boy and there were A LOT of tears from me and the moms (yep – we had both moms with us!). I think I may have even seen a tear from Adam (or at least a smirk).

The tech was taking a very long time on the heart and left the room. She came back with a doctor who was, for lack of better words, a heartless/stone faced/no bedside manner jerk. He was very blunt. He said he thought that there was a hole in the heart and that I had to get genetic testing ASAP.

Well, I did. I had too, right? Wrong. I wish I didn’t. The results pretty much ruined the rest of the pregnancy with worry and stress. My results came back positive for two different abnormalities. We went to more appointments and met with genetic counselors and did end up feeling better.

The hole ended up being a shadow. I wish I could go back and not take that test.  I wish that I could go back and tell that doctor where to shove it. If only…

Ben Falling. This moment still gives me PTSD. Seriously. Adam was away on a work trip and I had signed myself up for a photo session with just my Benny (cause I don’t get in too many photos). I was SO excited. This was going to be a mommy date and I just could not wait.

Ben was downstairs playing and I ran upstairs to grab his shirt. I was only going to be a second. Within that second Ben climbed up the stairs and lost his balance. He tumbled down. It literally happened in slow motion.

I ran down and made sure nothing was broken and that he was responding to me. After calling his father (frantically) I decided to go to the ER. I hated this. I hated that I allowed this to happen to my child.

This was the first time my ‘mama bear’ came out as well. They assured me, after three hours, that my son was fine. I just didn’t believe them. They handed me a cookie and milk (which I assumed was for Ben, but was apparently for me) and told me that these things happen and that he was OK. I felt like I failed as a mom. It was awful.

BUT, it did remind me that things don’t always go right and we are not perfect. You cannot blame yourself for everything. You make mistakes. You learn from them. You move on.

Is there anything you feel that you’ve lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained? 

Time to myself. That’s pretty much a standard though, right? I used to do a lot more for myself and now, clearly, I find myself doing things solely for my family.

I might want to just chill and watch TV on a Saturday afternoon, but I can’t. I mean, I can and Ben will play by himself just fine, but I feel guilty. So, I plan perfect days filled with fun and activity.

You lose things like time to yourself, but every day I notice that Ben is changing and he might not want to hang out with me in a couple years. I think losing ‘time to myself’ is OK right now. I will get that back later.

I’ve gained a better understanding of what is important in life. I used to be very into buying clothes and material items. Since Ben has come along I literally couldn’t care less about any of that stuff.

I care about our happiness as a family.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

I am a total extrovert. I absolutely love talking to people, meeting new friends, and talking about any and everything with whoever wants to listen. I get it from my father and I really hope that Ben gets it from me.

Momfaming is Born

It was May of 2004 and Erin was having a bad week. It was the end of her freshman year at Michigan State and she had broken her elbow and then broken up with her boyfriend all within a few days. She went back to her dorm room after her last final and Lisa, who was apparently also having a bad week, was there. “Erin, I know you broke your elbow and you and your boyfriend broke up…but look at my hair!”

“Erin, I know you broke your elbow and you and your boyfriend broke up…but look at my hair!”

She had gotten highlights from the local college of beauty and they weren’t exactly what she had wanted (think skunk’s tail). It wasn’t the support Erin had expected, but it at least made her laugh (and in Lisa’s defense, the break up was long overdue).

From then on, we have been there for each other through more break ups, broken bones, bad hair days, and even worse. We met at the beginning of freshman year but really became good friends after this encounter. We went on to live across the hall from each other sophomore year (where Erin introduced Lisa and her husband), and then shared a room in an apartment junior and senior year.

After college we stayed close, talking to each other every day (usually multiple times per day). In 2011 Erin was in Lisa’s wedding and in 2014 Lisa was in Erin’s. Once Lisa had her son in 2015, we were afraid the relationship would change because Lisa wouldn’t have as much time for the phone calls and texts; but that definitely didn’t happen. In 2016 Erin had her son and it cemented our friendship forever. We decided that our sons would be “forced best friends” and we get them together as much as we can.

Both of us try to be the best mothers we can, and that looks very different in each of our houses. Lisa is a full-time working mom (and even does photography in her “free” time) while Erin “retired” to become a stay-at-home mom. We both envy each other (because the grass is always greener, right!?) and respect each other as women and especially as mothers. We decided that too often moms are judged for every decision they make. Although we gossip frequently we try our hardest not to judge or “mom-shame”. Thus, momfaming was born!

We decided that too often moms are judged for every decision they make.

We wanted a place where mom’s were famed for all they do. We will do this by showcasing all kinds of moms who each have different experiences and opinions. We will also occasionally write posts about our own life and motherhood adventures. We can’t wait to see where this can go and we are excited that you are on the journey with us! Please check back often to see different moms in our “Hall of Fame” and let us know if you, or a mom you know, wants to be interviewed!

Your NOT so Perfect Moms,
Lisa & Erin