Mom of Fame – Katie O.

We were very lucky to interview another amazing mom this week. Katie has two daughters who are in very different stages of childhood. When we walked in the door we were greeted by her 5 year who was writing in her notebook, and her 8 month old who was crawling around everywhere. Katie was in the laundry room washing out tie-dye clothes they had made the day before while her husband kept an eye on the girls. With a 5 year old, an 8 month old, and her own business to run we are still trying to figure out how she has the time to tie-dye!

Katie is a very calm and confident mom and you can hear it in all of her answers. She doesn’t worry about what other people think and doesn’t feel pressured to take advice from anyone. She spoke very candidly about everything including making sure her daughters feel loved, what made her slow down and prioritize, and the dreaded 4th trimester.

Please help us welcome Katie into the Mom of Fame! We hope you enjoy reading her answers as much as we did—but don’t consider it advice, she tries not to give that!

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it? Would you give that piece of advice to someone else?

That you don’t actually have to take the advice. It’s just somebody’s opinion, it’s not fact.

Honestly I was given a lot of terrible advice about motherhood. And a lot of that advice is given with the attitude of “it’s not optional, you’re required to do this”. Especially from medical professionals and the grandparents. So I guess the best advice that I’ve seen would actually be from the internet. Because you can totally trust everything on the internet, right!? [Laughs]. That you don’t actually have to take the advice. It’s just somebody’s opinion, it’s not fact. You just do whatever works best for you and your kid. Because whatever somebody is telling you is what worked best for them and their kid.

I try not to give unsolicited advice. I try not to give any advice at all, unless I’m asked.

How is motherhood different than you imagined it would be?

The beginning is way harder than I had anticipated. The age that [my oldest] is now (5) is a lot of fun. It’s a pleasure to be a parent for her and as [my youngest] gets older it gets easier. But that 4th trimester period is just about surviving. There is very little about it that I enjoy. It’s more about, “okay let’s make it through this period without anybody dying and then we’ll get to the good part”.

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?

I wouldn’t say they’re my strengths, more my priorities. They are:

1. To make sure my daughters feel loved for who they are. That I love and appreciate them exactly as they are and not try to make them into somebody else. Or try to make them into “better” people. They’re wonderful people the way that they are.

2. To have perspective and be realistic. That in the beginning things like what your kid eats at each meal seems super important. Basically because it’s the only parenting decision you’re making at the time. So yeah, it’s super important because it’s the only decision you have to make. But as time goes on, it becomes more clear that as long as you’re giving your kids everything that they need; you’re feeding them, you’re clothing them, you’re educating them, and you’re loving them. The fact that once in a while they have toaster waffles for dinner and go to bed sweaty and without their teeth brushed, everything is going to be okay.

3. Flexibility is absolutely necesssary. I’m a planner. I like to plan ahead. I like to have everything all set. We make a meal plan, we almost never adhere to it. But thereotically I have dinner planned for the week. And it makes life harder if I’m wedded to that plan. As opposed to, “okay this is the guidelines of what we’re going to do this week and hopefully we get to everything; but realistically we’re not going to.”

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

So at one point I was trying to do so many things that I literally ran out of gas. Figuratively too, but literally ran out of gas on the freeway.

There have definitely been a couple of times like that. Actually this past winter with [my youngest]. There was a period where my business was growing, I was trying to figure out how to meet all of my business obligations. How to get through our morning routine; get up and get ready and get out of the door on time. We were adjusting to having [my husband]’s job change. So at one point I was trying to do so many things that I literally ran out of gas. Figuratively too, but literally ran out of gas on the freeway.

It’s like I need to prioritize better and I cant just make everybody else happy. I have to literally take care of myself in some ways before I do something just to make someone else happy. If I’m not getting gas, if I’m not buying the groceries then the bare minimum is not being met. And those things need to be done before, “oh grandma really needs to see the kids”. That gets hard sometimes.

Is there anything you feel that you have lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained?

In all seriousness, core strength. Functional abdominal muscles. Luckily that is something you can get back. But it’s annoying me that it’s taking so long.

[I’ve gained] a different outlook on life. To be able to see what’s truly important. Because I want to live intentionally, and react intentionally. And make sure that I’m telling my daughters what is important to me. So I have to know what that is.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

If their gut is telling them to decline, then they can and should without guilt.

I want them to learn that “no” is not a bad word, that they can and should say “no” to people. I don’t want them to think that they are required to do whatever grownups, teachers, friends, boys, bosses, etc tell them to. If their gut is telling them to decline, then they can and should without guilt.

What is it like owning your own business and having a family?

So my business is kind of weird in that it’s 24/7. There are good parts of that and bad parts of that. I have a client that has a shift that starts at midnight. So I have to be there to introduce the caregiver to the client. At midnight. Normally, obviously, with a small child I would be asleep.

But that also means that there are things that don’t have to get done during the 9 to 5. So if [my oldest] has been begging me to pick her up early from school, or if the nanny says that she needs to leave early, there are a lot of times where I can have that flexibility. Where I pick her up at 3:30 or the nanny leaves a little early and I can run payroll while I’m sitting in the basement with the girls. Or when [my youngest] was less mobile I’d bring her to the office with me and be able to get stuff done while she slept.

Mom of Fame – Katie

Recently we had the pleasure to “meet” another wonderful blogger. Katie is the creator of the blog Homespun Habits, a special education teacher and a mother to three beautiful children. We aren’t sure how she does it all, but she seems to do it while also having fun! Her blog is another one we would really recommend, especially if you need some DIY inspiration! Here is a little more about her in her own words:

I am a special education middle school teacher. I am currently teaching where my children go to school and feel so blessed to be able to be there with them.  I also teach a couple of classes every semester for a state university. Blogging is something I have always wanted to do and just recently took the leap. I am approaching my 10 year wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband. We have 3 kids. 2 boys and a girl ages 8, 5, and 3. We also have 3 dogs so it is always a little crazy at our house. At times it can be overwhelming but we wouldn’t change anything!

We loved Katie’s answers and pictures, and we think you will too! She gave us an honest view of motherhood by touching on post partum anxiety, being flexible when necessary, and adjusting to having a daughter after two sons.

Welcome to our Mom of Fame, Katie! Thank you for participating in our interview!

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it? Would you give that piece of advice to someone else?

You’ll always be chasing the rainbow when yours was in your backyard the entire time.

“You can’t do it all.” And “you be you”. Those 2 things have stuck with me and I would definitely pass that advice on to anyone. I’ve learned the importance of simplifying life.  It makes things so much easier. Be you. Don’t try and be anybody else. You’ll always be chasing the rainbow when yours was in your backyard the entire time.

How is motherhood different than you imagined it would be?

Honestly, at this point I don’t really remember how I imagined it. I’m sure it was more like happy music playing in the background with kids holding hands and skipping along the sidewalk. Wrong!!! Haha! Although those precious moments do happen…they are few and far between. The reality is motherhood is hard. Everyday brings a new challenge.

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?

Oh man I feel like I could use 3 strengths 😉 No but really I am super organized. That definitely helps to manage the constant chaos of 3 young kids. I’m a hard worker. I hope they can recognize that one-day and implement it into their own lives. I’m not perfect. I’m trying to take each day at a time and be more flexible and not get upset when things don’t go perfectly.

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

I can still remember when my oldest was a newborn. My husband worked 12 hours shifts (which he still does). The days were sooooo long with a baby that I was just getting to know.

Looking back now, he was the perfect baby. It was me who was a hot mess.

It was summer time and it was so hot outside. I can remember sitting outside on the backporch just rocking the baby praying that I could make it until my husband got home. I felt so overwhelmed with that first baby for a while. He totally rocked my world as I knew it. Looking back now, he was the perfect baby. It was me who was a hot mess. I had post partum anxiety and didn’t figure it out until he was about 6 weeks old.

Is there anything you feel that you have lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained?

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost everything about myself. I don’t say that in a sad, depressing way. But life is no longer about me. Everything I do, every decision I make is based on my kids and their well being.  I do find that as they are getting older I get to get a little bit of “me” back.

I have gained so much. A new persepective and outlook on life for sure. Seeing life through the eyes of a child is a much more magical place to be.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

I want them to learn to be kind and always love others. Hard work pays off. Don’t expect anything from anyone and don’t do things for people expecting something in return. Choose happy. You are responsible for finding your own happiness. Always remember it’s okay to not be okay. Most importantly I will love you forever and you can always come home.

What is biggest difference between raising your boys and your girl?

Boy was this a shocker for me. After having 2 boys the little miss rocked our world. I always envisioned this sweet little girl with braids quietly playing on the floor with her Barbie dolls. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Our little girl is a firecracker with a huge personality and attitude. We wouldn’t trade her for the world though. She keeps up with “her boys” as she calls them and doesn’t miss a beat while shes at it.

Mom of Fame – Maggie

We had so much fun interviewing Maggie. It was the perfect summer day so we did the interview outside while enjoying a glass of wine (she offered and we just couldn’t resist!) Her one and a half year old was nice enough to take a few pictures with mom but she spent most of the time playing while we chatted. She was blowing bubbles, climbing on her play structure, and even got to run through the sprinkler (after the interview)! It gave us a great glimpse into their life at home.

Maggie is a laid-back mom who lets her daughter explore. She seems to not let anything bother her but tells us that her patience is definitely being tested by her “stubborn toddler”. While she was answering questions we found ourselves nodding along and agreeing with everything she said. She brought up some stuff we haven’t talked about yet including her “mom-tribe”, her social life, and how she feels about her body after having a baby.

Help us welcome Maggie into our Mom of Fame and feel free to nod along with her answers as well!

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it? Would you give that piece of advice to someone else?

So it’s not really advice, but it should probably count. Just someone telling you, “you’ll be fine, you can do it.” Like, however it works out, you don’t need a philosophy or whatever the book says it’s your baby and you’ll know what to do when it happens. I think someone finally told me that ‘cause I got a lot of advice and I was like, “well, I don’t think of any of these things”. I’m never gonna think of any of these 10 sweet mom tricks and life hacks. But there were a few people who were like, “no, it’ll be fine. You’ll figure it out. It’s not a big deal.” I think that was really reassuring. I will probably tell other people that. That you figure out your own, kind of, rhythm.

How is motherhood different than you imagined it would be?

It’s crazier. A lot busier. But, I think it’s a lot like I imagined, which is helpful. I think I had a lot of really honest mom friends that gave me a good idea of what to expect. And that helped. So I don’t think it was anything too, too different. I think a lot of the things that people told me were the things that were true. Like it’s hard on your marriage and on your social life. And on all of that stuff. But I think the actual “momming” part is pretty close to what I thought it would be.

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?

This one was really hard for me. I’m going to be honest. I kept asking [my husband] but he wouldn’t answer the question for me.

Stubborn

I am really stubborn and [my daughter] is really stubborn so I think I am passing that on to her. And I think it can be a really good thing sometimes. Because when she was really little if I said I was going to go out that day and do something, I’m not going to give up just because 17 things have gone wrong. Even if she spit out on her entire outfit and everybody is soiled, we are going to go and we’re going to do this thing we said. So that actually turned out to be kind of helpful in the beginning with her. And it probably still is because now I have to out-stubborn a stubborn toddler.

Patience

The other strength I work on is patience. I think I’m getting a lot better. I think I can be very patient with her most of the time. I think that’s a strength I would want to be better at. I think I thought I was really patient until I had a toddler.

Strong Network

I think we spend a lot of family time. I think with extended family and we have a good network. I think that’s one of our strengths. We have a mom-tribe, we have a family-tribe, we have a lot of support. I think we’re able to lean on that better than I thought we might be able to. Sometimes it’s hard to ask for help and I think we were able to when we needed to. I don’t know if it’s really my strength as much as the people around us strength but we lean on them. Which is good.

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

Like every other mom says; all the time! I think the most overwhelming for me

In today’s day and age you’re so worried about bullying and sensitivity and all this stuff and then your kid might be the bully.

was probably recently she’s been biting everyone at school. [My husband] was out of town for one week, which apparently makes her bite more. It was the third day in a row and she bit two kids in one day. So I was on my own for a couple days and I had to pick her up and she had bit half the classroom. In today’s day and age you’re so worried about bullying and sensitivity and all this stuff and then your kid might be the bully.

And then I think she’s 1 and a half and it’s just instinctual and she’s not a bully or anything else. Your head says, “okay it’s just a phase, she’ll grow out of it” but your heart says, “oh my God, she’s biting other kids, this is terrible. What kind of demon child am I raising that has no manners and is terrorizing her class!?” So that was kind of overwhelming. The biting is getting better. I will say that it is true that it’s just a phase. They worked a lot on it at daycare. On using our words and talking about our feelings.

Is there anything you feel that you have lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained?

Early on in pregnancy I was a little bit uncertain, as I think everyone is, about how your body is going to start changing. That was always kind of a trigger for me and I was trying to read up on that. And I read this really inspirational blog post about losing your self-consciousness and just sort of

The things that I thought were a concern when you don’t have kids, are not really your priorities anymore.

going all in on that. And I think that’s definitely something that has changed for me. I’ve lost a lot of what used to worry me. The things that I thought were a concern when you don’t have kids, are not really your priorities anymore.

All the way down to worrying so much about what you look like and so much about the number on the scale. A lot of the things, that used to be really self-centered, but self-esteem concerns for me got a lot better. Because I did have a really good pregnancy and I read a lot about believing in your body. It is growing a human being and that is one of the greatest things it can give you. And to really appreciate your strength and the whole, it’s cheesy but, the whole “power of being a woman”. I thought that was really something I did gain out of that experience. I am a lot more comfortable in my own skin now. Surprisingly, because I thought pregnancy was going to really do the opposite.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

I want her to know that there aren’t any limits on what she has to do or has to be. I think that’s something my parents always instilled in me. There are

If she wants to be, whatever, I don’t have a predetermined outline for her. And I want to instill that in her, that she can find her own path.

guidelines to be successful; you have to get an education, you have to live within the law, you have to do these big goals. But it wasn’t ever that we want you to grow up to do what we do or we want you to be like us. That was never something my family stressed and I think that shaped a lot of my willingness to try new things. I kind of hope she learns the same lesson. That just because we’re 9 to 5 business types, that doesn’t have to be her life. If she wants to be, whatever, I don’t have a predetermined outline for her. And I want to instill that in her, that she can find her own path. She should; she should listen to her own gut. I don’t think it will be easy to instill that in her, but I’m going to try!

How do you manage to keep a semblance of a social life with a toddler?

I’m glad it seems like we have a semblance of a social life. [Laughs]. We try. I think we kind of gave into the idea that our social life is just going to have to involve her more now. So we tried to find more social opportunities that are family friendly. We joined the hospital-sponsored parenting group and we still see them. Which kind of helps because it’s all people in that same phase and even if the kids are going to be a diasaster they’re a disaster together. So we all go out and we meet up regardless and that gives us some alternatives. And with our group of friends we have a lot of friends who are having kids right now so we just try to come up with opportunities where maybe we don’t go to the bars and the fancy new restaurant openings as much as we used to.

And then I think we also really tried to make sure we were comfortable leaving her early on. We made sure to leave her with family members and we made sure to try to be okay with that. Even though it was really scary in the beginning; to just go out and leave your baby and take breaks. I think that really helped later on because now we can leave her with a sitter, we can leave her with parents, we can leave her with friends. I think now, at one and a half, we’re more comfortable. Not that we never get nervous and never think about it and want to check in. I think that helped us a lot to just trust in that. And to ask for time away.

Dad of Fame – Derek

When talking to a friend early on when our blog was brand new (only three months ago) he mentioned that he knew a dad that would be perfect for the blog. He said that he’s currently writing a book about being a gay dad and his son is AMAZING (he used all caps).

Derek is an actor, writer and musician based in New York City. When we reached out to him he was immediately in. He said he would be happy to answer the questions as his pride-and-joy is now 9 years old and is his favorite subject.

Like we mentioned above, Derek is currently writing a book and a screenplay entitled, “Hey, Bubba.” In Derek’s words ‘For some reason, these were the first two words I said to him when the nurse put him in my arms. The nickname stuck. The book is an open letter to my son, spoken in the second-person, to tell him what an incredible, hilarious and exciting journey it has been to raise him in his first ten years. He has a lot of questions, and I’ve answered them honestly. I’m putting them all down on paper so he won’t forget. The audience is allowed to eavesdrop on our conversation.’

Although he answered us right away we wanted to save his blog for Father’s Day. A way to honor all those amazing dads out there. Welcome to the dad of fame, Derek!

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about parenthood? Did you take it? Would you give that piece of advice to someone else?

When I was in my 20’s, I came home to Indiana to visit my family. I told my grandfather that I would never have kids.  He certainly knew what I meant by that, it was my coming out of sorts, but this was his answer.  “Well, that’s a shame. I bet you’d be pretty good at it. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done, and I didn’t do it perfectly.”  So, when I was in my mid-thirties, and we were deciding to start the process of becoming parents, and every single possible perfectionist impulse was kicking in to criticize me, I remembered his words.  I gave myself permission to become a parent and do it the best I could.  I said to myself, out loud, “You won’t be perfect, but I bet you’ll be pretty good at it.”

How is fatherhood different than you imagined it would be?

I did not expect the part of parenthood whereby it is a slow, uncomfortable process of letting go.  My son is only nine now, so I expect this “letting go” to amplify soon.

What are your three strengths when it comes to fatherhood?

I’m often told I’m very maternal and I take that as the highest compliment ever. I’m also open, loyal and playful but I am not his “friend.” He will have loads of friends in his life. I reserve my spot as “parent.” That means not being liked sometimes, out of love.

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a father.

When my marriage fell apart, and I was still in the process of second-parent adopting my son.  Living for years with that instability is like living with a constant, torturous hum.  But I made sure that when I needed to scream, I did it in the kitchen into a dishrag.  I used the dishrag to wipe my tears, I breathed, and then I went back into the living room to join my son. My parents were divorced (more than once) and I didn’t want to repeat their mistake of not letting my kid be a kid. I’ve been hyper-vigilant about that.

Is there anything you feel that you have lost about yourself since becoming a father? What have you gained?

When your child is born, your self-centeredness takes a huge hit. It is such a relief.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

When he was eight, we were on the subway.  He turned to me and said, “Happy wife, happy life…I just need to find the wife so I can have kids.  I can’t wait to have kids.” So I think he has learned that if you want to have kids, it’s a rewarding experience.

What, if any, challenges have you run into being a gay father?

The challenges were mostly in the legal process of becoming parents.  Otherwise, I’m just a father who faces the same challenges other parents do.

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If you would like to connect with Derek you can find him on twitter and instagram @dereknicoletto.

 

5 Things I Learned About Miscarriages (After Having One)

My husband and I had only been trying for a month when I took my first pregnancy test. It was a long shot, but I like to be as prepared as possible so I couldn’t wait for a missed period. Shock of shocks there were two very obvious lines. I went out and told my husband and we were both super excited…and a little panicked. I only told a few people (my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and best friends). I knew I wasn’t “supposed” to tell anyone before 12 weeks but I was so excited and I couldn’t keep it all to myself until then. Besides, if anything were to happen those were the people I would talk to about it anyway. 

For the next month my pregnancy was completely normal. I had some morning sickness, a lot of heartburn, and was very tired. The day before my 8 week appointment with my doctor I was at work and started to have faint cramps and then started to bleed. I immediately called the doctor and the nurse assured me that this can be normal but that I should come in just in case. I left work and met my husband at the doctor’s office. I had an ultrasound and it confirmed our worst fears; I had had a miscarriage. I obviously knew that miscarriages happened, but I didn’t know much about them. After having one, this is what I learned:

1. It happens a lot

I didn’t ask my doctor many questions when I first found out what happened. I needed some time to process before I learned more about it. When I went back a few days later to have my blood drawn (for the first of many times – you need to make sure your hormone levels go back to 0) she popped in the room to talk to me. The only question I could think of was “why?” She told me that miscarriages happen in 1 out of every 4 pregnancies. I never realized the percentage was so high.

Once I had had my own miscarriage and realized how many other people it had happened to I started to hear about it more often (or I just started paying more attention to those whose were talking about it). Other friends went through it, friends of friends went through it, and even celebrities were talking about going through it. Although I wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone it was nice to hear that other people knew what I was going through and that I wasn’t alone in my feelings.

2. You feel guilty

After my doctor told me how often miscarriages happen she went on to tell me that nothing I did caused mine. It was very nice to hear, but I of course didn’t believe her. I went back through everything I had done the past 2 months to figure out what went wrong. In the month before I knew I was pregnant I had a few glasses of wine. The morning I found out I had fallen on my knees trying to catch my dog. Every morning I had a cup of coffee. I told her all of this, and more, and she still assured me that none of that caused the miscarriage.

Even if it wasn’t my fault directly, it was my body’s fault. I think that is the hardest thing to deal with. My body basically betrayed me. It was in charge of the most precious thing and it didn’t protect it. Even though I am a very logical person and understand what the doctor (and everybody else) told me it is nearly impossible not to feel guilty. The guilt subsides over time, but it never really goes away. Even now, no matter what anyone says, it’s still there in the back of my mind. 

3. It hurts

I thought once my doctor told me I had a miscarriage, it was over. What I didn’t realize is that my body still had to pass what remained of my pregnancy. She told me that I would bleed for a while and pass a few clots the size of a golf ball or lemon. I’ve read that some women don’t even feel this, but I felt every bit of it. Now, I had always had bad periods so I was used to painful cramps. And that’s how it started. Then the next day I had the most painful cramps I had ever felt (until I was in labor that is!). Those lasted for about an hour until I passed a clot. Once the clot came out my cramps immediately stopped.

I thought I was through the worst of it so I went to work that night (I didn’t really have a choice so luckily the pain had stopped). I was the director of a daycare and we had a Meet the Teacher night for the beginning of the school year. I had to stand there, smile, and meet the new families joining our school. It wasn’t easy but I at least wasn’t in any physical pain anymore. Then I went back to work the next day for our last day of summer camp. While most of the students and teachers were outside for recess I started having the really painful cramps again. I worked 30 minutes from my house and didn’t feel like I could safely drive so going home wasn’t an option. So I laid on the couch in my office hoping nobody came to the door. I heard a class coming back inside so I got up to go back to my desk and I passed the second clot. Again, I immediately felt better. Knowing what I do now I definitely wouldn’t have gone back to work so soon.

4. It changes your next pregnancy

I was extremely lucky and was able to get pregnant again 5 months after my miscarriage. Although I was so excited that I was pregnant again I was also terrified that something bad would happen. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to jinx it. I didn’t want to buy anything for the same reason. I wouldn’t even discuss what we needed for the nursery, or when to have my baby shower until we had the 20 week ultrasound to confirm everything was okay. Even after that I was cautious with how excited I would let myself get.

Every time I went to the doctor to hear the heartbeat I would be in a panic until I heard it. If I didn’t feel him move enough my heart would sink until I did. My doctor even noticed how nervous I was and told me, “you need to let yourself enjoy this pregnancy”. I tried, but it wasn’t easy. I will obviously never know how I would have acted through pregnancy without having a miscarriage first. I am naturally a nervous person so I’m sure I would have had nerves along the way. I really think, though, that having one completely changed my pregnancy journey.

5. You don’t get over it

About a month after I had a miscarriage I had a friend who suffered the same terrible misfortune. One day several months later we were on a walk and she said to me, “I thought I would be over it by now. When do you think we’ll be able to get over it?” I obviously had no idea but I said, “I think it’s like a breakup. We won’t be able to get over it until we are pregnant again and actually have the baby”. This turned out to be somewhat true. Obviously having my son helped me get over what I had been through. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that I had to have the miscarriage so that I could have my son. I’m still not completely over it though. My heart still skipped a beat on April 13th (my original due date) and I’m sure it will for years to come.

Miscarriages happen a lot. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier when it happens to you. This was my personal experience having a miscarriage and what I learned from it. I know that all people experience it differently and go through different things. I was very lucky that I only had one and that I was able to get pregnant and have my son after it. I know not everyone is this lucky and my heart goes out to those who are still trying. 

I haven’t told many people (until now) that I even had a miscarriage. I thought it was important to write this, though, to help others going through the same thing. If you have experienced a miscarriage (or several), what did you learn?

~Erin

Mom of Fame – Amanda D.

When we started this blog we just wanted to try to stop the shame and bring the fame back into motherhood. We know, from experience, that being a mom is the hardest job there is and we wanted to honor the moms out there that do it every day. We have been having so much fun getting to know different types of moms and hearing their differing answers to the same questions. What we didn’t realize when we started, is that we would be able to “meet” other moms trying to do the same thing. Amanda has her own blog called This Growing Home. We have read her blog and encourage you to do the same. Although we feel like we know her after reading her blog and chatting with her for a bit, she will probably do a better job of introducing herself:

Hi Friends! I’m Amanda, the author for the blog, This Growing Home. I’m the proud mama of a five year old boy, one year old boy, and a soon to arrive (7/26/18) boy. That’s right, three boys! 

Our days are filled with wrestling matches, dinosaurs, and lot’s of coffee (for mommy!). On super special days (when mommy decides to put on make up and dress like an adult), we like spending time at parks, zoos, and splash pads! Otherwise we hang out in the back yard or watch Netflix (Dinotrux and Rescue Bots for the win!)

I’ve been a SAHM for five years, and love spending time with my boys! My blog, This Growing Home, was started as a way to connect and find community with other mamas. It’s a place where I write about real life mama things like parenting, money saving, DIY, and anything mom related. I am all about encouragement, support, and real life motherhood.

Welcome to our Mom of Fame, Amanda!

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What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it? Would you give that piece of advice to someone else?

I totally believe that there’s no perfect way to parent. I have gotten a ton of advice through my five year mama journey, and I’m so appreciative of all the other mamas who have invested in me! Some things worked for me, but others weren’t quite right for my mommy style. 

The one thing I would definitely tell other mamas is, do what works for you. You and your little one(s) are unique, so don’t force yourself into someone else’s successes or compare your journey to another. 

How is motherhood different than you imagined it would be?

I don’t think anyone has a real clear or accurate picture of what motherhood is until they’ve experienced it themselves. And even then, every mom’s experience is different. I think most of us probably imagined all the love and joy of motherhood without realizing there are also dark moments of loneliness, frustration, and exhaustion. But, those tough days that end with a long ugly mom cry (you know the ones), make the good moments more meaningful. 

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?

Let me just start by saying that I’m definitely not stronger than any other mama out there. Motherhood is tough stuff and not for the feint of heart!

Honestly, I consider myself successful if I’m able to love my children more than myself.

I think every mother views strengths differently. One might say her strength is being able to follow a killer schedule, while another considers her strength to be that she is flexible and doesn’t stick to a rigid schedule. And both are right, because it’s all about what works for you. 

Honestly, I consider myself successful if I’m able to love my children more than myself, teach them through my own example, and provide a safe environment for them to learn and grow. Those are the strengths I try to develop in my mama journey. 

Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

If I’m being honest, it’s a daily occurrence! Every day has it’s own struggles that I am learning to overcome. 

Every time I faced something new (bringing baby home from the hospital, learning how to do everything with one arm while holding a baby in the other, explaining right from wrong to a two year old, adding another baby to the mix) I felt so overwhelmed I wasn’t sure I’d be able to survive it. But, eventually you figure out what works, what doesn’t, and how to adapt to the new changes. 

Motherhood is all about overcoming overwhelm, but none of us are perfect at it, especially when we try to do it alone. In fact, that’s a big reason why I started my blog. I was so exhausted from trying to do everything on my own and was desperately seeking a community of other mamas to share my burdens and journey with. I wanted other mamas to know that they aren’t alone and that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times. Those feelings don’t make us bad moms or failures, and there are others feeling and facing the same things. 

Is there anything you feel that you have lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained?

I have definitely lost parts of myself since joining the mom club: being able to sneeze without peeing, my perfect record for never being late, long showers spent on relaxation and reflection, or never second guessing that whatever entered my stomach might come back with a firey vengeance (thank you heartburn). 

On a more serious note, I think all mamas feel a sense of loss of the person they once were. Motherhood is about purging the selfishness from ourselves and directing every ounce of strength toward our children’s needs. That doesn’t mean completely giving up the things we loved and enjoyed before baby, but it’s re-prioritizing and letting go of those things that aren’t as important or distract us from our new happiness. 

When you direct your attention away from yourself, you begin to see the world differently.

As much as we might lose, though, there is so much that can be gained! When you
direct your attention away from yourself, you begin to see the world differently. You’re not as critical of your imperfetions, or as judgemental of someone else’s. You start appreciating the small blessing’s in life like four uninterupted hours of sleep, not having to cook your own food, or being able to use the restroom alone. 

The most valuable thing I’ve gained though, is confidence in myself. As a shy introverted person, I spent a lot of energy worrying about what other people thought and how I could meet their approval. As a mom, I realized it was impossible to be everything for everyone. Instead, I focused on what was best for my little one, and trusted myself.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

Hopefully they learn all the wisdom and knowledge I have to offer, without picking up any of my bad habits or characteristics. A mama can dream right?!

What has been your favorite/funniest ‘boy mom’ moment?

I think the most beautiful aspect of motherhood is that there isn’t just one moment. It’s a lifetime of memories that fill our hearts. Recently, I remember my oldest son comforting the baby in my belly as we waited to board an elevator, rubbing my stomach and saying “It’ll be alright baby, it’s not scary.” Or my one year old son trying to blow dandelion seeds, but only managing a raspberry noise and spit bubbles. There was also a time when my oldest was so impressed by something that he said, “It just totally blew my brain out!” I responded with, “Oh my, what should we do about that?” And he answered, “I guess we will just have to catch it, and shove it back in!!” It’s impossible to pick a single example, because there are too many “favorite” moments for us to choose from.

A Mothers Nightmare: Reactions to School Violence

Senseless acts of violence. Senseless acts of violence against our children. This would make any mother lose her mind. We asked a handful of moms of school aged children to give us their honest reactions to the recent school shootings.

While all the moms were passionate about what could be done about this, we decided to focus this blog on the raw feelings and reactions from a mother/child perspective.

We both want to give sincere thanks to all the moms that participated. We know how hard it is to think about such hatred and our children. Those two words, hatred and children, they just don’t mix.

The blog is long, but we stress that you read it. You may find comfort in the words. You are not going through this alone. We can help each other.

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Every time I drop off my six and three year old sons at school I think of the Sandy Hook shooting. Every single time. I chase that thought away, because kids have to go to school and we have to live our lives… and because I live in the safest town in Florida. I live in Parkland.

On February 14th I was in my office. My assistant came in, “Your ex husband called,” he said, “the kids are safe, he picked them up and took them home. There was a shooting in Parkland.”

Just like that it became a reality. My kids are safe, I told myself. School shootings happen.

We turned on the news and I saw the footage I have seen so many times before: children being escorted out of school in groups, police, helicopters, up close stills of people wailing… “More than 14 victims” already read the headline. My hopes that there were only one or two wounded instantly vanished.

“My next door neighbor’s daughter is still missing.” texted my law partner at 6 p.m. I pushed the thought away.

I drove home late that night to a quiet, peaceful neighborhood that I always come home to. Everything seemed just as it always is; the moon was shining through the beautiful, green tunnel of oaks on my street. My partner’s neighbor was dead and I did not know which one of the parents in my neighborhood lost their child today.

Oh, and did I mention that I moved to Parkland because a six year old boy was killed in a drive-by shooting on the street where I lived before?

– Irina is mom to a 6 and 3 year old 

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I take my kids to school every morning and as they walk in, I take inventory of what they are wearing and mentally record the last thing I say to them. I obsess about whether I kissed them goodbye or if I was grouchy that morning because we were running late. Will this be the last morning I yell, “Tie your shoes faster!!”? How many times did I tell them I love them? I live close to the school, so when I hear sirens during the day, my heart sinks an inch. Every afternoon at pick up, I feel a sense of relief that my kids have returned, unharmed, from this war. After Sandy Hook, school drop-off was never the same for me–it never will be. It’s a sad reality, but I know that not enough is being done to stop these tragedies, so the chance that they will reoccur is inevitable. It doesn’t take long before I turn on the news and see another report of a school shooting. It’s maddening.

My hope is that we can start being proactive and making common sense steps toward a solution. I hope that families will slow down, love their kids more and really get to know the people they are becoming. I hope that the village will come together for the kids who don’t have enough love and support and shepherd them. I hope that people who are on the fringe will get the help they need. I hope that one day I can send my kids to school without fearing the worst, but we have a lot of work to do before then.

– Cat is mom to a 11 and eight year old

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My heart breaks for the lives touched by these school shootings. And not just for the victims but for the shooters who are just kids themselves, for whom life has failed so badly that they feel this kind of destruction and violence is their only choice. The scariest part about the school shootings is that we as moms have so little control in the situation. We send the most important parts of ourselves off to a place every day where we expect them to be largely safe and that false security has been broken. We cannot go to school with them to protect them. It can be a terrifying and crippling prospect, if you let yourself give into the fear.

My faith in God is a foundation for me and I do my very best not to let fear control my reactions to these situations. I pray for protection over my two boys in the morning and truly trust that God has them in his hands. This is not a bullet proof vest. Bad things happen in our world every day to good and bad people. And our children face so many dangers. My job as a mother is to raise them with the strength to face these challenges not to avoid them. To be smart in their choices and to know when fear is a warning of a situation they should avoid versus an irrational fear trying to control their life. I have had honest conversations with my sons about the school shootings and some of their responses have truly saddened me that they have to face this. I tell them they should not be afraid to go to school but should be aware and if they see or hear something with a student to make a staff person aware.

There are a lot of politics going on behind this whole issue and I am not convinced there is an easy answer. One thing I do know is that we as mom’s can teach our children how to reach out to other kids in love, to not be judgmental, to see the kid sitting alone at lunch and invite them to join them. We ourselves can do things to bring hope to kids in our community. One of the mom’s in our circle, started a food pantry at the school for our junior high and high school students who often were going hungry. What a simple way to show these kids who are suffering that they are not forgotten.

I choose not to let fear rule in my home and I have done my best to help my children live their life the same way.

– Nikki is mom to a 14 and 11 year old 

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I wish I had some better words. I think we always worry about our children and this amplifies that worry and makes normal parental concern incredibly heightened. With good reason. People now choose high schools the way they once chose colleges. Another layer to that choice is, where will my child be safe?

– Ann is mom a 12 year old 

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There is no doubt that it is a different world we live in from the time I was in high school.  School Shootings, Lockdown Drills, Lockdowns… these terms did not even exist in the mid-nineties. Now, they are terms we hear way too often. I have dropped my children off at school every day for the better part of 19 years never really thinking that after I say “I Love You & Have a Good Day” that something or someone could take them away from me, forever. The increase in frequency of these mass school shootings is terrifying, whether you are a parent or not. I think it forces us to ask ourselves “How”, how do we stop this from happening again?! Innocent children are losing their lives by simply attending school… and it has to stop!

My two oldest children are now done with high school but I still have two little ones that will be attending school in a few years, I hope and pray for change.

– Kristin is mother to a 21, 17,  21 month twins and Stepmother to 18 and 16 year old

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As mothers we receive all kinds of advice. From the beginning of pregnancy people tell you which car seat they loved, which bouncy seat kept their children occupied the longest, “use organic” “cloth diapers are better for the environment” “my baby never slept in bed with me” “don’t start kindergarten that early” etc… In this new era of school shootings, in-your-face violence and social media, no one has advice to give because we are on the front lines. We are the moms who must navigate this gauntlet and still try and preserve the innocence of our children.

My school district is considered to be one of the best in the state, we live in a relatively upper middle class community so who would have ever thought I’d be receiving at least 2 emails per week regarding teens making threats and being arrested from our high schools. Just last week a 7th grader, yes I said 7th grader, was detained due to a threat of gun violence in MY sons middle school. He is 13 and in the 8th grade. No advice I was ever given could have prepared me for that moment. It was terrifying, I drove by the school 5 times that day and kept in contact with my son. He said he never felt scared or worried, I believed him but I was a wreck. I canceled my plans for the day so I could keep driving past the school and be close in case I heard sirens. NO ONE should have to go through that.

We have been having conversations about gun violence and shootings for quite a few years now, I believe in an open line of communication about any and everything. He knows what to do during a lockdown drill, knows what to do if he hears someone make a threat and what to do if he hears of someone having a weapon in school. I still can’t believe that I actually have to talk about these things with my teenager. I hate having to tell him how sorry I am that this is the world he is growing up in and that for once, mom doesn’t have an answer.

I am thankful for the way I was raised and I am just trying my best to mirror how my parents raised me. KNOW what your child is doing (social media included). KNOW who their friends and their parents are. KNOW where they are when they are not home. TALK to your children, HAVE the tough conversations, TELL your children they are loved, RAISE them so they know they can talk to you about anything. SPEND time with them, quality time. And if you see your child’s friend struggling, DO something about it.

I don’t have any answers or solutions for this horrible social emergency. I guess my contribution is to do my best to raise a responsible, respectful, kind hearted young man who will hopefully set a good example and be a positive influence on his peers.

– Katie is mother to 13 year old

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I can’t even imagine what pain a family must feel after the loss of a child. Our children are being raised in a very different time than we were. I never feared going to school, and thankfully, my children do not either (yet) as we choose to shield them from the information of recent shootings.

As a teacher it has changed me as I routinely consider the possibilities of what if. Where would we go? Would we hide in a corner or prepare to throw desks? I pray daily for the safety of my children and my students and pray that I will never be faced with such decisions.

– Emily is mother to a 11, 8 and 6 year old

 

Again, thank you to the mothers above for giving their heartfelt comments. We appreciate all of you!

Mom of Fame – Mom To Be

Here at Momfaming we try and capture moms at all stages. We’ve been trying to get moms with multiples, moms with one, moms that have older kids and moms that have younger. We were excited to sit down with someone that was expecting to get her take on pregnancy and becoming a mom.

After the baby is born we plan on sitting down with her again. Check back in August (or September) to see!

We wish her the best of luck in the upcoming delivery of her baby girl!

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What is the best advice you’ve been given about pregnancy or motherhood?

I mean most often I think is the generic advice; plan for stuff and know that your plan will never actually work out.

The best advice is about daycare. I didn’t realize how quickly they book up. So, I made sure [to get a spot] knowing that I have to go back to work in three months after. There are huge waits and I wanted to get one that I could put research into. And I put down a deposit knowing that I could always change my mind. But knowing the number of infants they actually let in is so low I wanted to get on the list.

I feel like I’ve done pretty good not getting unsolicited advice. People haven’t really been annoying me with unsolicited advice. It’s mostly if I ask questions; “did you really use this?”, “do we really need that?” And that’s helpful.

How is pregnancy different than you thought it would be?

I mean I think I had a pretty realistic vision of what it was. I don’t think anything prepares you for your body betraying you everyday. I just feel like I wake up everyday and I think, “what are we going to do now, guys?” My husband thinks it’s funny when I try to get out of bed and say, “nobody help me!”

I think it’s to my expectation, though. I have nothing to compare it to so it just kind of is what it is. It’s definitely not worse or better than I thought. I guess I’m just kind of neutral towards it. I’m getting to the point where I’m getting more tired of it and everything feels like a chore. If you would have talked to me three weeks ago, I would have been like, “I’m crusin”. But the last couple of weeks I have just felt more like “oh my God, she’s really growing”.

What do you think your biggest strength will be as a mom?

Detail Oriented

I’m hoping its my planning and detail orientation. I like to pre-plan and I know my plan’s not going to work. But maybe if 10 percent of my planning works out I’ll be set up okay. Like, in getting the daycare and my friend to come stay with me. Just planning [my husband’s] schedule for him. I’m hoping my strength is somewhat trying to be organized.

Has anything overwhelmed you during pregnancy?

The lack of self-independence has stressed me out. I want to do all of this stuff and I physically just can’t. [My husband] will be like, “just ask me to do it.” But that’s annoying and I feel lazy sitting on the couch and directing him around. And it’s a hard thing to start doing when you’re not used to it. And I have this vision in my head that my house has to be this perfectly clean, set up situation. But it’s impossible. Everyone fear mongers you to think you’re life is over and I’m like, “I’m not going to have time to organize my drawers”. But it’s like, at some point, I’m going to feel a little better, she’s going to take a nap, I have [my husband], and I can organize my drawers!

What are you most excited about?

Obviously to see and meet the baby. It’s a lot of prep and build-up for her to come.

Selfishly, I’m just excited to have my body back a little bit. For it to be more mine rather than a shared resource for everybody; between doctors, family, her. I look forward to the sensation of control of at least my body.

What are you most scared about?

I dont know. I’m not terrified, yet, of giving birth. I think you just get so uncomfortable to some degree where you’re just like, “get it out of me”. But I think that first day home is what I’m most anxious about. Because I’ll ask [my husband], “So what do we do? She comes home, we get home from the hospital, there’s all of this anticipation, and then what? Do we just sit there and stare at her?” So I guess I’m more afriad for the first couple of days of just figuring it out. Well, I wouldn’t say afraid. I would say just nervous or anxious. It’s more of the unknown.