#Momguilt Part Two – The Second Child

So awhile back I wrote a blog about #Momguilt. Little did I know that it only gets TEN TIMES worse when you add a second child into the mix.

The same feelings of guilt are still there.

The guilt of …


making a healthy dinner

when I lose my patience

when I’m distracted by something else *phone*

that I allow TV and tablet

Now there are even more and a lot of them have to do with my attention and how I can evenly divide it. I would, ideally, like all aspects of my life to feel most important.

  • My children. This is the area where I have the most guilt.
    1. My son. I feel guilty that I have literally changed my son’s life in a drastic (but beautiful) way. When my attention is on him I am distracted by his sister and her needs. I know that I don’t give myself credit, but it’s hard.
    2. My daughter. Although she gets attention – (just finished up a wonderful 12 week maternity with her) it’s very different from what Ben got when he was a baby and I feel guilty about that. She really will never get my FULL attention because she is the second child.
  • My husband. Although it isn’t said and completely fine – I know that my husband is the one who gets the shaft completely. Our lives have taken a turn from the two of us, to the three of us, to now, the four of us. I am sure it will get better, but right now this mama goes to bed right when the baby does which gives us almost zero time together.
  • My Work Life. Although I just started work I am already feeling guilty. When you don’t have kids your work is basically your baby (right? Am I the only one?). I know that I will get into a groove again and it will just take time. Why do we think things should just happen instantly?!
  • Daycare guilt. This is geared more toward my three month old. My son (three years old) thrives at his daycare. There is a constant pressure on my chest about leaving my three month old with others. The guilt I have about going to work and not being with my children is great.

Luckily, I have an amazing husband, family and friends who make me feel like I am doing it all and doing it with grace. We can’t be perfect. No one is.

Now, please pass me a glass of wine.

Working Mom Vs. Stay at Home Mom – Part Two

It’s one of the first questions people ask you when you announce your pregnancy – will you stay home or continue working? It’s a tough question and one that is not answered easily. It’s also one that other people are quick to judge you for.

So we’re here to break it down for you — is it better to be a stay at home mom or a working mom? Lisa told you her side of the story as a working mom and I’m here to tell you all about staying home.

Where are my other stay at home moms? What do you think? Did I forget anything!?

What are the pros and cons of being a stay at home mom?

The biggest pro of being a stay at home mom is obviously the amount of time I get to spend with Ryan. I get to see each of his milestones as he hits them and I get to experience everything he goes through each day (the good and the bad). No matter how many cons there are, this is what makes it all worth while every second of every day.

He likes to “help” me
with the laundry

Another pro is control. I am a control freak and because I’m staying home with him I get to control what he does each day; what he eats, when he naps, what activities we do. I worked at schools and daycares and I know they’re great but I would have a hard time giving up that control with my own child.

The biggest con is probably losing a little bit of myself. I worked hard to get where I was in my career and I really enjoyed what I did. It’s tough going from completing tasks at work that make you feel accomplished to making sure the laundry is done and the house is cleaned. I’m obviously thankful that I have time to do those things during the day but it gets a little old.

Another con is lack of adult interaction. I am home most of the day with a baby and two dogs, none of whom talk back to me (even though I think they do sometimes!) Having adult interaction is necessary to feeling sane. Luckily my friends are great about texting and calling and my husband is really good about encouraging me to go out with friends often to get my dose of adult conversation.

Have you been mom-shamed for being a stay at home mom?

Just like Lisa, I’ve mom-shamed myself. Whenever anyone asked what my plan was I would say, “I’m going to stay home for a year and then see what happens”. Our plan was to reassess after a year and see where we were financially and see how I liked it. Once Ryan was diagnosed with Down syndrome, though, it delayed my going back to work. I know I will go back eventually, it was just odd that I always felt the need to justify myself and my decision with “it’s only for a year”.

I don’t think I have ever been directly mom-shamed but I have had people say “I could never do that”, or “won’t you miss your job?”. People also said “are you sure you guys can afford that?” None of those are directly shaming but they have a certain undertone. Before I was pregnant I also heard people I know mom-shame other women for quitting their jobs and staying home, so I’m sure they have said the same about me.

Either way I think we all feel a little guilty and either way someone is going to disagree with your decision. My mom always taught me, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything” so I think we should probably just stick to that if we don’t agree with the choice someone else made!

Was the this always the plan?

I honestly don’t know! When I was young and imagining having kids I always thought I would be a stay at home mom. Then once I started working I couldn’t imagine not working. Then once I got pregnant I couldn’t imagine leaving the baby. So my plan obviously changed often depending on what was going on in my life.

Ultimately my decision was easy to make, though, because the job I had was just not conducive to being a mom along with it. It’s pretty funny since the job I had was the director of a daycare! But the daycare didn’t accept babies and my boss was about the least understanding person I know. So I knew it made sense for me to quit and become a stay at home mom (but just for a year!)

Would you change things if you could?

I don’t think so. Although it seems like I had more cons to write about than pros I do love it. Once Ryan is old enough to go to preschool I would like to go back to work in some capacity. I still want to be able to go to school events and volunteer in the classroom so I would want something part time. 

I’ve watched the parents of my students and even my own friends and having both parents working full time looks very hard to me. I really admire those that are able to do it but I’m not sure that I would. Especially with Ryan’s therapies and extra doctor’s appointments I would definitely need something part time and/or very flexible.

Has it impacted your relationship with moms that are in the reverse role?

Not that I know of! I have very good friends who are working moms and very good friends who are stay at home moms and I have the same relationship with them as I always have. Like Lisa said, there might be jealousy sometimes. I sometimes envy my working mom friends when they’re going to the bathroom whenever they want and enjoying their coffee before it gets cold! 

I think since I worked in the field I am able to understand the working moms’ feelings a little better than other stay at home moms so that may help. Either way I respect all of my mom friends and support the choices they make!

Does this change your relationship with your significant other?

Maybe? I’ve never had a relationship with my significant other while being a working mom so I’m not really sure. I will say that the first year of parenthood is HARD. Everyone tells you that the first year of marriage is hard, but that was a cake walk for us. Adjusting to life with a new baby is was much more difficult for us, though.

Sure I get frustrated that all of the house work now falls on me, but I’m sure he also gets frustrated at work knowing that we are all depending on him. We made the decision for me to be a stay at home mom together and we both continue to think it’s the best decision for our family, whether it’s changed our relationship or not.

So what’s better? Staying at home or working?

I hope after reading both of our answers to all of these questions that you realize that neither is better. I don’t think any mom is perfectly happy in their choice to be a stay at home mom or a working mom. 

Like we said, there are pros and cons to each type of mom and every family has to make their decision based on what works best for them. So let’s give each other a break and support each other! Let’s momFAME instead of mom-shame.


Working Mom Vs. Stay at Home Mom – Part One

It’s the great debate of our time (kidding)! Whether to stay at home with the kids or continue working. What’s the best thing for your family? Is the grass truly greener?

Well, luckily, we tried to get to the bottom of this age old question. Our two situations are very different. One of us works and the other stays at home. Here is our take on our specific situations. Part one of the blog is my view, Lisa, the working mom. 

We’d love to hear from you! What are your thoughts?

What are the pros and cons of being a working mom/stay at home mom?

For me, money is the obvious pro. Since we both work we don’t have to watch (as much) when we go out or plan that vacation. We’ve done the whole writing down expenses and cost of daycare for two and all that good stuff. When it comes down to it though, both of us working makes the most sense. 

Another pro is getting out of the house and talking with adults and having pride in what I do. I love where I work and who I work with. I’ve been there almost 11 years and, to me, it feels almost like a second home. 

Ben is the con. I wish (I really do) that I could hang out and be with him 24/7. There are so many things I want to do with him that I just can’t fit into a weekend. With the baby coming I know that I will feel this ten fold. 

Leaving your babies is NEVER easy. It really isn’t. It’s a very hard thing to do, but so many people do it. You just do your research, take recommendations and believe that your child is in the best of hands. 

Have you been mom-shamed for being a working mother?

The sad thing here is that I’ve mom-shamed myself. No matter what I think you feel guilty one way or the other. Three months to be with your baby is really not enough time. I will 100% agree with that, but it’s what we have and it’s what we take. 

I get the question a lot about staying at home, which I think it’s a bit rude if I’m being honest. No one knows each others situation so I think it’s best to just not ask that question – ‘did you want to stay home’ or ‘why’. It’s one thing when a close friend asks you about the decision, but it’s another when someone not so close to you asks. 

Best to leave it alone.

Was the this always the plan?

Yes. There was never a conversation otherwise. With our first we knew that we had my parents watching him the majority of his first year. We felt good about that.

The second time around is a bit harder. Two in daycare is super expensive and I completely understand why people sit down and do the math. It makes sense for us and for me to continue working. 

Would you change things if you could?

That’s a loaded question. The grass is always greener, right?

I think if I was able to stay at home for the first six months I would be happy. I do think three months is nothing. You and your baby are just getting into the groove of things when you suddenly have to change up the routine. 

I will say, especially now that Ben is three, that I am so thankful I did stay working. He is getting what he needs and is stimulated throughout the day. I am not sure I could do that for him 24/7.


Has it impacted your relationship with moms that are in the reverse role?

Honestly, maybe? It’s not that my actual relationship has changed (I love my stay at home mom friends and family).

It’s that I feel a little bit of jealousy. That’s actually a pretty weird feeling for me too. I honestly don’t get super jealous of things. I guess time spent with your child is the thing that does me in!

Does this change your relationship with your significant other? 

Honestly, I think that it’s better because we both work. We never think if cleaning/cooking/shopping as one or the others job. We *try* to work as a unit when possible. 

I do have a more flexible work schedule so I end up doing more of the shopping and cooking, but it’s never expected. 

During dinnertime we both have a lot to talk about because we’ve just been at work and haven’t seen or talked to each other all day. Ben even gets involved in the conversations now (which is awesome).

So what’s better? Staying at home or working?

Ha. Nothing is better than the other. I am sure you will have those moms that tell you that the mother should be at home caring for their child. 

I feel like I am teaching Ben something else. I can’t be there for him 24/7, but he is seeing that his mom and dad are equal partners in everything we do. We both go to work at the same time, we cook, we clean, we plan and we see each other as equal partners.

This isn’t to say that staying at home is any different. Staying at home could possibly be the hardest job anyone can have. 

Stay at home or working mom? What’s the difference, really? You do what’s best for you and your family. Period.

Mom of Fame – Lisa


When I met Lisa I really didn’t have any friends like her. She is outgoing, loves being the center of attention, and doesn’t care what others think. She was the complete opposite of me and was exactly the kind of friend I needed in my life.

I always tell her that if we would have met in high school we never would have been friends because we are so different. I am so lucky we met in college, though, because she is an amazing person who is always there when you need her.

When Lisa became a mom it made me realize just how amazing she actually is. It all seemed to come so easy to her and she was a great mom with a great little boy. She is always showing him how loved he is and taking him to do fun things to make sure he is getting the most out of life.

Lisa is our first Mom inducted into our Hall of Fame and she definitely deserves it! Let’s show her some love and and shower her with “mom fame”!



What is the best piece of advice you were given about motherhood? Did you take it?  Would you give that piece of advice to someone else? 

My girlfriend told me how much strain a new baby was on her marriage. She had stressed to try and take time with just each other and to think of things from his point of view.

I, literally, kind of laughed at this (thinking that that there wouldn’t be any strain). I was wrong. The sleepless nights, the multiple diaper changes, the constant breastfeeding – it is a very overwhelming feeling. You end up taking it out on the spouse.

The frustrated feeling did go away. New moms are expected to be so perfect and it’s just not like that in real life. You cannot be the perfect mother and wife while you’re learning to do both at the same time. You and your spouse are partners in this and that is KEY to remember. You need to lean on them.

I tell this to anyone who is pregnant now. I am so glad I got the heads up. You just need to breathe through it. It does get better – SO much better.


How is motherhood different than you envisioned it to be?

Oh, man. This one is hard (yes, I know, we wrote the questions).

You cannot be the perfect mother and wife while you’re learning to do both at the same time.

I guess the little girl in me always envisioned a very domestic type of motherhood. Being a wife that stays home with the kids and cooks and cleans. The wife that meets her husband at the door when he gets home from work with a cocktail in hand (very Mad Men like).

This was not the case, but I am not disappointed in reality. As much I would love to be a stay at home mom, I know that this is a very unrealistic expectation these days. I love my job and the people I work with. I think Ben benefits from being around other kids and learning new things.

You always want things you don’t have. You learn to accept the things you do. Everyone’s life looks different and I am pretty happy with how mine looks.

What are your three strengths when it comes to motherhood?


I would be surprised if any other mother doesn’t put this on her list. After kids you have a whole new level of patience. Every morning I hear ‘mama’ about one million times (don’t think I am exaggerating).

Like, why does my son come downstairs to have me open his snack when his father is literally standing right next to him? I guess we will never know the answer to that question. One of life’s greatest mysteries.

Documenting Life. 

I love taking photos. I have actually made a nice side business being a family photographer. Since I was very young I was really good about taking photos.

I used to only take photos of special occasions and whenever we went out and about. Since Ben has been born I wanted to be REALLY good at documenting his life. I, literally, have the camera out at all times. It’s just sitting there ready for me.

The smallest of moments are now being captured on a daily basis.

Beyond the photos, I keep a journal. The journal is not for me. It’s for Ben. From the moment I was pregnant until today he will have a snapshot of what life was life for him and his parents.

I don’t write everyday (or sometimes even every month). I don’t just write about him either. I think he will particularly like his mamas comments the day after the 2016 election.

I think it will be a nice thing, along with all the photos, to give him when he’s older. There is so much you don’t remember from your childhood and if I can give him even a tiny piece, I’m happy.


I make sure Ben knows kindness when we are with our family, friends and when we are out in public. I think, personally, at this particular time in life it is more important then ever to teach your children kindness.

I feel like I do a good job showing this when we are out in public. Ben is a cute and social kid. We get stopped a lot at stores, restaurants and various other places. Older woman LOVE to comment on his cuteness and chit chat a while.

Just the other day a woman and her grandson stopped by our table at McDonald’s (yea, we went there – no judgement). She stopped by to say how good Ben was being and offered her fries to him. My mind was going crazy. *Why would this woman think we wanted her fries?!* Would I ever say that? No, I hated the fact that I even thought it. Instead I told her how very sweet it was for her to offer and thanked her for her kindness. I told her that while appreciated it, we already had a ton of fries at the table (which was true).

That same night at the same place we got stopped by another woman. She talked to Ben and Ben stopped and listened. He was incredibly sweet and kind to her. I’d like to think that he’s slowly learning all about that whole kindness thing.


Describe a time where you were completely overwhelmed as a mother.

You cannot blame yourself for everything. You make mistakes. You learn from them. You move on.

When do I not feel overwhelmed as a mother?! I’m seriously only half joking. I feel like these days you have to do everything right and be so incredibly perfect or else people are going to call you out on it. Thus, why we created this blog.

I want to tell you two ways I was overwhelmed as a mother. One when I was pregnant and one when Ben was a year and a half.

20 week ultrasound. Everything was going great. We were told that we were going to have a boy and there were A LOT of tears from me and the moms (yep – we had both moms with us!). I think I may have even seen a tear from Adam (or at least a smirk).

The tech was taking a very long time on the heart and left the room. She came back with a doctor who was, for lack of better words, a heartless/stone faced/no bedside manner jerk. He was very blunt. He said he thought that there was a hole in the heart and that I had to get genetic testing ASAP.

Well, I did. I had too, right? Wrong. I wish I didn’t. The results pretty much ruined the rest of the pregnancy with worry and stress. My results came back positive for two different abnormalities. We went to more appointments and met with genetic counselors and did end up feeling better.

The hole ended up being a shadow. I wish I could go back and not take that test.  I wish that I could go back and tell that doctor where to shove it. If only…

Ben Falling. This moment still gives me PTSD. Seriously. Adam was away on a work trip and I had signed myself up for a photo session with just my Benny (cause I don’t get in too many photos). I was SO excited. This was going to be a mommy date and I just could not wait.

Ben was downstairs playing and I ran upstairs to grab his shirt. I was only going to be a second. Within that second Ben climbed up the stairs and lost his balance. He tumbled down. It literally happened in slow motion.

I ran down and made sure nothing was broken and that he was responding to me. After calling his father (frantically) I decided to go to the ER. I hated this. I hated that I allowed this to happen to my child.

This was the first time my ‘mama bear’ came out as well. They assured me, after three hours, that my son was fine. I just didn’t believe them. They handed me a cookie and milk (which I assumed was for Ben, but was apparently for me) and told me that these things happen and that he was OK. I felt like I failed as a mom. It was awful.

BUT, it did remind me that things don’t always go right and we are not perfect. You cannot blame yourself for everything. You make mistakes. You learn from them. You move on.


Is there anything you feel that you’ve lost about yourself since becoming a mother? What have you gained? 

Time to myself. That’s pretty much a standard though, right? I used to do a lot more for myself and now, clearly, I find myself doing things solely for my family.

I might want to just chill and watch TV on a Saturday afternoon, but I can’t. I mean, I can and Ben will play by himself just fine, but I feel guilty. So, I plan perfect days filled with fun and activity.

You lose things like time to yourself, but every day I notice that Ben is changing and he might not want to hang out with me in a couple years. I think losing ‘time to myself’ is OK right now. I will get that back later.

I’ve gained a better understanding of what is important in life. I used to be very into buying clothes and material items. Since Ben has come along I literally couldn’t care less about any of that stuff.

I care about our happiness as a family.

What do you want your child(ren) to learn from you?

I am a total extrovert. I absolutely love talking to people, meeting new friends, and talking about any and everything with whoever wants to listen. I get it from my father and I really hope that Ben gets it from me.